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[fic] naran saram
나란 사람/someone like me [6/?]
Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-15 (might change); 25929 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: please inform me of any glaring errors 'ㅅ' apology for the wait at the end of this chapter

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6

Kyuhyun leaves before he can let himself run back up the stairs two at a time, faster than Eunhyuk, into Sungmin's room where he can confess all his fucked up desires and perversions and needs because he doesn't just want Sungmin. When he stumbles out into the snow, falling heavier now than before, he's chilled to the bone with the realization that he desperately fucking needs her. His hands shake and tremble and he shivers from head to toe, stuffing his arms inside his blazer, wishing he'd worn a coat or at least brought mittens. He thinks of Sungmin's burning skin under his touch, thinks of all the places he wants to touch and caress and all of the things he wants to do with her and to her in order to be warm again.

The light in his parents' bedroom is still on and he can't face them with tears streaming down his cheeks and cries of 'Sungmin' just on the tip of his tongue. The moisture dries up his skin and feels like ice as he takes off down the street into the snow falling faster and thicker, settling on his head and shoulders, wrapping him in a blanket of freezing crystals.

It's certainly not the dumbest thing he's ever done.

Kyuhyun catches a cold. He realizes it a few minutes before he suspects he's also managed to get frostbite on his fingers, toes, his ears and the tip of his nose. Sitting on a frozen swing in the park hasn't helped him clear his mind. Neither has the hour of freezing temperatures and steady snowfall. Even so, Kyuhyun takes the long way home and pretends he can't see the dull pink light in Sungmin's window. He packs his belongings as quietly as he can, sniffing every two seconds, head swimming and heart pounding in his ears. He feels delirious and suspects he's not in his right mind but he wasn't earlier, either, or else he wouldn't have done what he did - or so he tells himself. His mother will be so hurt to find him gone in the morning, he thinks.

Sungmin will be crushed, the voice says vacantly.

She would have been crushed, he concedes. If I hadn't forced myself on her and then walked out like she'd done something wrong. Now she'll be glad.

He's back in Seoul, sleeping in the drafty but not-quite-freezing hallway outside Shindong's apartment door within another hour.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Shindong asks the following morning.

Kyuhyun looks up from his bowl of rice but barely sees his friend just a few feet away, seated across from him at the kitchen table. He's bundled in blankets and warm clothes but he still feels frozen. There's a block between conscious thought and his ability to speak. The bags beneath his eyes feel bruised and heavy; his skin feels like it's hanging off his bones; the chopsticks held weakly in his right hand feel like they weigh tons.

"I'm an asshole," Kyuhyun manages to choke out around his sore throat. Shindong sighs and rolls his eyes at the same time before getting the whining tea kettle from the stove and pouring him a cup of hot green tea.

"Drink this whole pot or I'll send you back to your mum. She'll know how to take care of you."

Kyuhyun cries as quietly as possible when Shindong excuses himself to take a shower, chugging the tea so fast that he burns his throat, terrified of being thrown out and sent back home.

Shindong leaves for work an hour later. Some restaurant owned by a family member where he can work holiday hours between semesters to save money for paying back school loans. Kyuhyun stares at the plain white door long after it closes, as if he can see through it and follow his friend all the way to work - something to keep himself distracted from his thoughts. But try as he might he can't see through walls and Sungmin's crying face presents itself to him again. He squeezes his eyes shut, curls into himself and buries his face in the tartan blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

Stop crying, the voice barks. Aren't you a man? What the fuck have you even got to cry about?

Kyuhyun tries to stifle the sound of his sobs but he can hear how weak he is, how pathetic and fragile his cries sound, and it hurts - reminds him of Sungmin's tears, reminds him of their wetness under his fingertips, but most especially makes him remember how she held him once while he cried when they were younger. He'd been thirteen years old; it was only a few weeks after Sungmin's parents had allowed him to look after her alone. She was staying the night in his room because her parents had gone out of town for business. His parents were just a few doors down the hall but they hadn't interfered all night, wanting to leave Kyuhyun alone to his 'first job' as they called it.

The responsibility of looking after Sungmin - someone he cherished so much - had become stressful for Kyuhyun. He endlessly enjoyed spending time with her, but now that he was being paid everything seemed much more real; he could screw up, couldn't he? He was just a kid, for God's sake - what if Sungmin got hurt under his care? It would be his fault and how would he live with himself after that? How would he answer to her parents? To himself?

It had taken him much longer than usual to fall asleep, but not for the little girl sleeping on his chest with her thumb curled in her mouth. Only after he'd sifted his fingers through her pretty dark hair for a while had he been able to fall asleep, and yet still he suffered from a nightmare.

Even now his stomach churns, remembering how vivid and real it had seemed; all his fears and worries of Sungmin being hurt under his careless watch. In his nightmare he neglected her long enough for her to slip into the pool in his backyard. For some reason, if only because it was a nightmare, the angelic Sungmin of his dream couldn't swim and she drowned. Kyuhyun, who was sensitive to sunlight, had never been able to learn to swim in their pool and couldn't rescue her. For years he continued to lose sleep, haunted by why he hadn't jumped into the water regardless - trying to save her would have been better than standing there, watching her die. But that night he'd been woken from the nightmare, from Sungmin's little fingers disappearing below the choppy surface of the water, to her worried, childlike voice:

"Oppa? Kyuppa? It's okay to cry, Kyuppa."

It's like he can still hear her voice now, clear as day, and somehow a smile pulls at his tear-stained lips, his face still buried in his blanket. Sungmin had taken to pushing Kyu, her nickname for him, and oppa together, creating yet another nickname. Mostly it was just another way for her to cut corners, like 'Kyu' had been. Kyuhyun had always blushed heavily and shuffled away with Sungmin whenever she called him by it in front of his mother who thought it was adorable and begged to hear it again and again, pinching their cheeks and giving Sungmin an extra cookie at snack time.

When Sungmin woke him from his nightmare her hands had been cupping his cheeks, soaked with his tears, and her cherubic face had been scrunched in concern for him but she hadn't cried.

"You were crying and rolling around, Kyuppa. You rolled me off your tummy while I was asleep!"

Kyuhyun chokes out a weak laugh now, squirming out of his thick blanket while dragging his hand down his face, leaning his head back over the couch as he remembers Sungmin's accusation and the adorable tone of her voice. His beautiful little girl had consoled him until he stopped crying, wiping at his tears with her little fingers, kissing his damp cheeks with her pretty mouth.

"Let's go get a snack, okay Kyuppa? Hmm~ I think milk and cookies will help you get back to sleep!"

Kyuhyun returns to campus a week before classes resume. One of his professors promises to keep him busy with mindless paperwork if he really doesn't want to enjoy his last vacation before "real life" begins. Kyuhyun bows low, eternally grateful; he can't keep sitting around in Shindong's apartment, trying to find any excuse to keep himself distracted. He's come to terms with his problem, if by 'coming to terms' one means 'ignoring his feelings.'

"You can't be with her," Kyuhyun murmurs under his breath on a Monday morning, rubbing a towel at his hair still wet from his shower. "Even if you weren't like a father to her, even if she wasn't your little girl," he reasons blindly. "She's still young and you're old. You're... she's..." he stutters, struggling to find anymore words to keep him set straight on his path of never returning home. "You're getting a job this summer. You'll have to bend over backward for the company for years to get good standing and you'll be lucky if you find job security. You won't even have time for yourself, much less Sungmin," he rambles.

Sungmin who you want to spend every waking and sleeping minute with, right?

"Yes," he hushes.

"Who're you talking to in there?" Shindong calls, rapping on the bathroom door with his knuckles sharply.

"No one," Kyuhyun answers, then lowers his voice again, ignoring the muffled grumbling as Shindong shuffles off down the hall again. "You can't give her what she needs if you're at the office from like, six in the morning until ten at night," he continues.

What a stupid assumption, the voice sneers. And how do you think other couples get together? They all have jobs and responsibilities but they make it work.

"Why are you pushing this?" Kyuhyun huffs, yanking a comb through his half-dried hair. "Aren't you the one who called me a pervert?"

You are a pervert. I'm just saying, the reason you can't be with her isn't because you'll be so busy working, the voice mocks. It's because she's like your daughter and she belongs with someone her own age. Someone who hasn't masturbated in the shower while thinking of her.

"Shut up," Kyuhyun grits out, his face still flushed from his shower but feeling much hotter from the humiliation of his memories.

Plus if you really did have to pull long hours at the office, wouldn't it be good to have a lover who would make you breakfast in the morning, pack you a lunchbox so you didn't starve during the day, and had dinner prepared even if you couldn't come home until ten at night?

"Don't say lover," Kyuhyun nearly shrieks, his fingers trembling as he shoves his legs into a pair of dark jeans and yanks a t-shirt over his head. "Why would I want Sungmin to cater to my hectic schedule? Why would I want her to sacrifice anything for me? She's better than that and she wouldn't be able to, anyway. She's starting college soon. Fuck, college for God's sake! She's so young and I'm so fucking old; she has her whole life ahead of her and I'm already set on the path to work until I have a heart attack-"

"Seriously, who the hell are you talking to in there, Kyuhyun-ah?" Shindong yells, banging on the door again. Kyuhyun unlocks the door hastily and pushes his way out past his friend, desperately wishing the voice would stay trapped in the humidity of the bathroom but he knows he's never had the luck. What's worse is that he knows, now - the voice isn't some disembodied conscience in his head that will steer him in the right direction. It's started to see the possibility of a relationship with Sungmin - something more than what they've always been - which means the voice is really his thoughts and feelings, conflicted and irrational as they may be, and they're starting to lean towards taking the first train home.

Sungmin graduates on a Saturday. Kyuhyun knows because his parents tell him, and Sungmin's parents send him an invitation, and Eunhyuk leaves a voicemail on his cell phone because he is too scared to answer her call:

"Min and I are graduating tomorrow at two in the afternoon in the school auditorium, and her parents are having a party for us at five o'clock in their backyard. She's graduating with honors, Kyuhyun. She has some of the best grades in the entire class and a full scholarship to Seoul National, partially because you taught her while she was younger but mostly because she's had to do it all on her own since you went to college. Why don't you come and see what she's made of herself, Kyuhyun? Or don't you want to see that your little girl is a woman now?"

Kyuhyun's hand is frozen with his phone to his ear, his eyes fixed on the blank wall across from his bed. Eunhyuk's words echo in his head long after the message ends and he's left sitting on his mattress; boxes of his belongings litter the floor of his new, mostly empty apartment. One bedroom, one bath, a small sitting room and an even smaller kitchen; the bare essentials for a guy finally out of grad school and ready to embark on his lonely, equally barren life of work, work, a few hours of sleep, and then more work.

His eyes finally move from the indiscernible spot on the white wall and his hand lowers his phone to the mattress. He looks at the doorway of his room and imagines Sungmin coming in after a long day of classes, tired and yet still responsible: she takes her books out of her bag and organizes them on her desk, the one they managed to fit into the corner of the small bedroom when she moved in. Then she lets her hair down, the faint red sun streaming through the blinds causing it to glow, curling on her shoulders as she unbuttons her shirt and moves out of the room.

Kyuhyun stands and follows his vision, watching in the doorway of the bathroom as she undresses and prepares for a bubble bath to relax after her rough day. She looks beautiful and Kyuhyun can't be bothered to brush away the stinging tears that escape his burning eyes. He hears the front door open and close and turns to see himself coming in, hand loosening a black tie around his throat, the other setting his messenger bag down on the ground. His other self sees the open bathroom door, the young woman in the tub, and smiles. Kyuhyun moves out of his own way and slides down the wall, hearing the echoes of himself teasing his young girlfriend, the intimate splashing of bubbles and Sungmin's delicate laughter.

It's only his imagination - a dream, something Kyuhyun desperately wants - but it seems so real and possible and Kyuhyun wonders at what point did his other self stop being such a fucking coward? At what point did he decide to fucking go for it? What did he do differently that got him everything he ever wanted?

Kyuhyun takes the train back to Incheon early the next morning.

He doesn't call Yesung ahead of time because he knows his hyung will just hang up on him, so he plans to show up unannounced.

"Kyuhyun-ah~ what are you doing here? Home for the summer again?" Ryeowook asks, stepping aside to let the younger into the loft.

"Not really," Kyuhyun replies, trying to work some sort of energy into his voice, but he knows he sounds drained and blank and unlike the way Ryeowook probably remembers him. They knew each other much better in high school, and when he asked Yesung for prints at the end of last year, he was in better spirits. "Is Yesung here?"

Ryeowook puffs out his cheeks and stuffs his arms across his chest. Kyuhyun is amused that he can still manage to look five years younger than he really is and cracks a small smile.

"Sorry, Wookie. I'm kind of pressed for time and I was hoping he'd let me borrow his DSLR."

"You always did dream big even when you knew something was impossible," Ryeowook notes seriously, cocking his head to the side.

Kyuhyun doesn't like being scrutinized as if he were under a microscope, which was why he started eating proper meals the last couple of months even though he still didn't feel hungry, and going to bed by eleven o'clock every night, and taking a power nap during a rare break in the middle of his day. It was tiring when his professors and classmates would stare blatantly at his disheveled appearance, the bruises and bags under his eyes and his body wasting away to almost nothing. His only motivation to take care of himself had been to avoid the hassle of inquisitive stares and the occasional, awkward 'are you okay?'

And eventually accepting the fact that he and Sungmin had no future together; everything between them was in the past and would stay that way... which was why he had to be discreet today.

"Yesung would say no if he were here, you know that. You wouldn't even be able to annoy him into lending it to you so you would get out of his hair," Ryeowook comments casually.

It's Kyuhyun's turn to puff out his cheeks.

"But I will let you borrow it, Kyuhyun-ah~ Yesung doesn't need to know; he's working late tonight, anyway. When can you return it by?"

"I should be back here by about six o'clock tonight. I brought my laptop to transfer the pictures; I can delete them from the camera before he finds out."

"Oh, Sungie will probably find out one way or another, even if it's because I tell him on purpose so he'll be angry and get rough-"

"I know where you're going with that comment, and I won't mind if you rat me out so long as you don't continue that thought out loud," Kyuhyun sniffs.

It's not hard for Kyuhyun to blend in with the numerous mothers and fathers crowding near the stage, eager to get pictures of their son or daughter as they receive their diploma. Kyuhyun hangs back, however, not wanting to be found out by Sungmin. He spotted her as soon as she filed in with her classmates despite them all looking identical in their cap and gown: Sungmin looked radiant when he saw her then for the first time since he left her alone in her room on her birthday.

Even now, she keeps twisting her head around as if looking for someone, and Kyuhyun has to keep shifting his weight to the other foot, hiding partially behind the man standing next to him and a tall, potted plant. Kyuhyun wonders if Sungmin knows Eunhyuk called him; wonders if Eunhyuk exaggerated and said 'I told him if he doesn't come I'll kick his ass!' and that Sungmin knows Kyuhyun is terrified to get beaten by her; wonders if Sungmin even misses him at all, or if she's looking for the new boyfriend she surely has.

You're ridiculous, the voice taunts, and Kyuhyun grits his teeth, pretending he can't hear it.

Sungmin looks beautiful, peeking discreetly over her shoulder now and then, with her long dark hair curled and flowing down from her blue cap. Even from a good distance her skin looks radiant to Kyuhyun, glowing even, and her eyelids shimmer with faint make-up, lips sparkling with the pretty raspberry gloss he likes so much. Her big round eyes peer childishly around until someone seated next to her nudges her with their elbow. Sungmin's lips purse and her cheeks puff out, and Kyuhyun hurriedly raises Yesung's camera to capture the moment: another photo to add to the handful he snapped when she came in with her classmates and took her seat.

School officials drone on about excellence, success, and the future while the students try to sit still and parents try not to fall asleep, waiting for their child to walk across the stage. Kyuhyun is determined not to miss the few moments he'll have to capture Sungmin's time on stage: he'll have to be slick and careful in order to not be discovered by her, which is why he dutifully ate the lunch Ryeowook packed for him. He knew he'd need the energy later.

When Sungmin's row is finally instructed to file toward the stage, Kyuhyun slips along behind them, watching Sungmin's curls rustling against her shoulder as she walks. Something pulls in his chest, something that wants to reach out for her, to apologize, to congratulate her.

You don't have to have everything. You don't deserve everything. You can just be her friend, you know. Can't you be grateful you're even able to have that much? She'd probably forgive you for jumping her: you could apologize and congratulate her like you want. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Kyuhyun watches Sungmin standing just off the side of the stage and discreetly takes a knee among the other people taking pictures. He busies himself taking photos at all the right moments, watching her fingers trembling by her side as she bows low to her headmaster and accepts the white rose with her diploma. Her smile is bright and excited and Kyuhyun feels so proud of her as she looks out over her classmates, neck adorned with honors of excellence, hands clutching her diploma and rose delicately. He can remember the very first time he helped her with her homework and the very last, and now it's over - she's done. This period of her life is ending so that she can embark on a new chapter in her life... and Kyuhyun will have nothing to do with it.

It does have to be all or nothing, he swears while capturing one last photo of Sungmin's beautiful smile. So it will be nothing.

Kyuhyun lies to his parents when they call after the graduation ceremony ends.

"You said you'd try to make it, Kyuhyunnie," his mother scolds, but her voice doesn't sound very lively or convincing, as if she's tired of trying to steer him in the right direction only to see him fuck up time and again.

"I know," he answers dejectedly, his stomach twisting with the guilt of lying now and having lied to her before.

"You can still make it to her party if you come now," she offers, a bit of hope lifting her voice.

Kyuhyun knows he can't stay long; can't spare a second of getting caught up watching Sungmin receiving hugs, shaking hands, thanking her guests for their gifts and for coming; can't take even a minute to enjoy watching her smile and laugh and pose for photographs with Eunhyuk, because he might get caught - someone might notice and recognize him, like his parents or Sungmin's parents or Eunhyuk or Sungmin herself.

And she does. Kyuhyun freezes while lowering Yesung's camera from his face, eyes locking with hers when she spots him. She's motionless, Eunhyuk tugging her rigid waist to turn toward a different camera, but Sungmin's face remains fixed toward Kyuhyun. His heart thunders heavily in his chest and when Sungmin blinks he comes back to himself, hurriedly stuffs the camera back in its protective case and turns, slipping quickly through the people mingling and talking.

"Did you hear me, Kyuhyun? I love you, Kyuhyun," Sungmin whispers; her voice cracks and she's crying, standing in front of Kyuhyun with slumped, bare shoulders that tremble with each sob. Kyuhyun is struck mute and suddenly Sungmin's head snaps back up in the silence. She looks tragic but lovely, Kyuhyun thinks, with her cheeks stained from the blood under her skin and the messy tear tracks and her smudged mascara and her full lips parting to cry. "I said I love you, Kyuhyun. I love you, Kyuhyun!" She cries and he purses his lips, feeling his paper-thin defense begin to crumble under her carefully constructed attack. "Kyuhyun, I love you," she says again, and again, until Kyuhyun is shaking, too.

She's doing it on purpose, repeating his name like that; drilling it into his skull, into the final part of his body that still tries to cling to some sort of logical reason why they cannot be together - why he has to stay in his apartment here instead of showing up at her house to do her anymore favors, like taking photographs on her graduation day and having them printed and delivered as some kind of pathetic apology, then subsequently getting caught doing it and making things even worse.

Every day fucking hurts; Kyuhyun misses her, and not just Sungmin as his little girl, not just the way she used to be when she was younger and everything was safe, but the way she is now, in this moment - completely open and vulnerable, honest and sincere, a grown woman who's not afraid to confess her feelings. Part of Kyuhyun has trouble believing it, but it's that irrational part of him that holds on to things of the past. He asks himself how could Sungmin really love him and then he reminds himself that he loves her, too, so why not? Why can't she? Why does he think he has the right to question her feelings? Is it really so fucking hard to believe? Just because he's spent the last three years running away from her instead of holding her closer?

"Kyuhyun," she murmurs, her lips wet with tears as she reaches out with trembling hands and cups his warm, damp cheeks. Kyuhyun hadn't even realized that he'd begun to cry, but he is crying and Sungmin is stepping forward into his personal space. "Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun," she breathes, coming closer until he can feel the heat radiating from her body, even in the humid summer air of the night. "I'm in love with you, Kyuhyun. And I'm not going to wait anymore," she swears, exhaling shakily and then her lips are pressing against his own, certain and confident and Kyuhyun's eyes squeeze shut, his mouth opening in response.

Sungmin's lips taste like her tart, raspberry chapstick and the saltiness of her tears. Kyuhyun never thought he would kiss a girl like this if ever; when she's crying and she's brushing supple fingertips over his imperfect cheeks because he's crying, too. When he used to fight his fantasies - before he slipped up and kissed her on her birthday - he had never imagined that kissing Sungmin could be like this and sometimes it was hard to imagine she would respond at all. He beat himself up so often over his feelings that he couldn't even live in his dream world with her anymore.

"You're still thinking, aren't you?" Sungmin whispers into his mouth, then tugs at his lower lip with her teeth, causing his stomach to burn and his head to bow in shame. Her fingers brush over his cheeks one more time before sliding into his hair and tilting his head up slightly, forcing him to look her in the eye instead of staring at their hips just inches apart. "Don't keep it to yourself, Kyuhyun. Tell me," she insists, curling her fingers and fisting his hair gently. "I want to know why you won't love me," she murmurs, pulling on his hair when he bows his head again. "I want to know why you would kiss me on my birthday if you don't love me. I want to know why you would start to undress me if you weren't going to finish," she says innocently.

Kyuhyun’s face is burning with embarrassment not just from Sungmin saying these things out loud, but from the memory of all the other times he's ever touched her in a way he shouldn't have. She has no idea how long he's thought of her as something other than just his little girl - how long he's dreamed of running his hand up her bare leg, from the tips of her pink-painted toes to the top of her full thigh and in between - and how long it's been more than just Kyuhyun lusting after her. It's been Kyuhyun missing and needing his friend, his Sungmin who he's closer to than anyone else in the world despite distancing himself. He misses her merely being there, and he would take just her friendship if being around her didn't make him want more.

"Why, Kyuhyun?" She asks patiently, straining her delicate neck up to press her lips to his again. "I've been wondering why since you left me again. Why do you come back if you don't love me? Why did you come back to my house the day I graduated? Why'd you take those pictures of me at the ceremony and at the party? What are you doing if you don't -"

"Stop -" Kyuhyun chokes, reaching up to pull her hands out of his hair, pressing their palms together between their chests and entwining their fingers. "Don't say that," he begs, curling his fingers and clutching her hands with his own. "Don't say I don't love you. Don't say that," he breathes heavily, meeting her eyes fearlessly for the first time since he can remember. "I do, Sungmin. I do love you," he promises and watches her eyes widen slightly, lips parted and frozen in place, as if she hadn't expected that to be the truth, or hadn't expected her spineless oppa to finally confess it.

"Th-then -" she begins, but Kyuhyun hushes her with his lips, kissing her softly and sweetly with all the restraint he possesses.

"But I want more," he whispers into her parted lips, wetting his own and brushing hers just barely in the process. "I've loved you since you were a little girl, Sungmin. Since you were three-years-old and sucking your thumb," he teases, and Sungmin laughs, fresh tears leaking from her eyes as she cups his face again. Kyuhyun thinks she looks happier than he's ever seen her in all their years together and apart. "And I've wanted you to be mine for longer than I want to admit," he whispers again, his voice barely registering in his own ears among the sounds of crickets chirping in the night. Sungmin's eyes are on him, rapt with attention and curiosity, her fingers sliding down his neck nervously, fidgeting like she's afraid of what he'll say next.

"I haven't been good to you, Sungmin. I've been thinking of you in ways I shouldn't be," he continues, his voice still soft, telling secrets that he doesn't want anyone to hear or anything to bear witness to. Their only audience is the black night and the lamps lining the walk outside Kyuhyun's door, three floors up from the ground, and the apartment complex across the street. The trees over Sungmin's shoulder rustle in a rare rush of wind and Kyuhyun trails his hands down Sungmin's narrow waist, out over the curve of her hips. "It isn't fair to you, so that's why I keep leaving. Okay?" He asks as if he's talking to a child, but his fingertips are slipping beneath Sungmin's black t-shirt. He feels her warm supple skin under his hands and presses them carefully against her until it's just skin on skin, his heart racing in his chest, his eyes focusing down to where he's touching instead of on her face.

"No," Sungmin murmurs, sliding her hands back up to his face, forcing him to look at her. "No," she says again, more firmly this time. Truth be told, Kyuhyun is scared of the angry look in her eye. "What do you think you're doing, Kyuhyun?" She asks seriously, her eyes searching his desperately. "What good are you doing by leaving me over and over again? What isn't fair to me is that you keep running away - that's what isn't fair," she says firmly, sliding her hands down his arms, finding his hands under her shirt. "What part of this do you have a problem with? You'll kiss me and touch me like this but it's not okay? You'll do this because you want to but then you'll regret it and leave? That doesn't make sense, Kyuhyun. Not at all and - and I want you to stay, okay? I want you to do these things... kiss me and touch me," she says fearlessly, her breath leaving her in a rush, her body pushing forward to press her hips against his. "But then I want you to always be there... stop leaving, Kyuhyun," she begs, pushing harder against him until he's stumbling back into his apartment. "Stay with me," she pleads, burying her face into his neck, pressing hurried kisses against his throat as he pinches his eyes shut and lets his hands wander further up under her shirt.

"I love you, Kyuhyun. I love you and I need you more than this," she confesses brazenly. Kyuhyun sees her dark eyes catch the light from the street lamps just before the door closes behind them, leaving them in the dark of his unlit apartment.

I kind of hate reading and writing long author's notes (who cares!) but I thought I owed an apology because this part didn't come out as quickly as the others. I was sad for a week, had family in town for another week, my semester resumed the next week, my assignments came the following week, and to be honest I cannot say when I'll have the chance to write/share more :( I'm having a hard time feeling confident with my writing, or perhaps just the point this story is at. I feel like I'm insulting my readers and the characters themselves by writing and posting, so I don't post and just keep trying to work things out, but then a month goes by and I realize it's no better than originally. Regardless I am sincerely sorry if you were waiting, and to those who got sick of waiting and will no longer be reading ㅠㅠ

and to the tumblr user who contacted me: do not fear, I shall never betray kyumin especially for that particular pairing. They are my OTP for life :)

  • 1
I lose patience with chaptered fics, too ;-; perhaps that is another reason why I'm so aware of how long it takes me to update.

I think in the beginning it was my intent to sort of draw out Kyuhyun's "issues" because I noticed in all the Literature (yes, with the capital L >_>) I have to read for my major, shit never goes the way common sense dictates it should - people have stupid, long-suffering struggles that ruin lives and it takes up hundreds of pages and drives me fucking nuts. But I started to think maybe that is something that's been lacking in my writing - there isn't enough conflict, so I wanted to purposely focus on that this time around, but then it just sort of worked itself out that way regardless. Kyuhyun developed a personality with his initial 'problem' and it happened on its own. And that's where I completely agree that it's fucking annoying, lol. Even I get fed up with his poor attempts at rationalizing but then I remind myself that sometimes not only is fiction like that, but in reality, humans are no better at making "common sense" choices than characters like Kyuhyun. From our point of view everything is so obvious, but he's trapped in his own mind and sees everything through that tragically skewed lens. Poor bb :(

I'm really encouraged that you like my prose and characterization /dying of joy and embarrassment. I sometimes feel defeated when I see great writing, instead of feeling motivated to improve. But also I've come to see that I actually don't like ~flashy big words, fireworks, and fanfare. Sometimes I feel like writers are trying to talk down to me with their overbearing voice, and subsequently their characterizations seem off, too. So even though I am not capable of writing in that way, I still try my best with what vocabulary and ability I may or may not have ㅎㅎ I like that you find Kyuhyun brave, too :) I've touted him as being spineless and scared but really I've learned a lot from the way he reacts in situations. Even though we all want him to jump Sungmin~ it's still important to note that, right or wrong, he sees their relationship a certain way, and no matter what he wants, he won't go against what he thinks is "right." Also I've noted that Eunhyuk seems very popular, haha~ I will have to make sure she shows her face again :D

Sorry for writing a mini-novel back at you D: but some things you said really got me thinking and I'm going to take every word to heart. Thank you for your honesty and for reading; I hope you will critique me in the future if I fuck up majorly ㅠㅠ

keke i don't usually read chaptered fics if i don't follow them from the start, so girl, you have really got something different right here, let me tell you. because when i see chaptered fics i'm like ...oh god and i'm just really lazy to read like 2394237 chapters or whatever especially if the story isn't worth it. but you reeled me in in your first, and i really wanted to know what was happening next, and that is why you've got me writing a little essay to you here! :)

it is. it totally is because idk i have seen so much drama recently irl and stuff and really, people can be so focused on their own world and just not see the logic in a lot of things. so i find kyuhyun's struggle fucking annoying, but i can totally understand that. completely. that's what makes your fic realistic, you know?

:D great writing doesn't necessarily include big words and fireworks, though. sometimes i think the most important thing an author should do is to get her point across, whatever way's best, and i think you have just hit home with this. too many big words sometimes bog the story down, and people just can't feel the crushing emotions that make up the fic. especially for something like yours, which focuses a lot more on the characters' internal turmoil instead of, say, a fic where there's just loads of action.
i'm actually happy that kyuhyun is not directed by his cock instead of his brain, actually. (that's why i didn't say that i wanted him to jump sungmin, at least, not so quickly). it's the right thing to do, and he knows it, and well, to me that's courage enough.

:) i'm sorry for writing an essay right here at the start, i go off on a tangent quite often and i don't realise i'm ranting. i hope you won't fuck up majorly, but i think with your insights, girl, it won't happen. have more confidence in yourself! i fell out of the writing fandom quite a while ago, and i'm only just picking it up, so i understand where you'er coming from. have faith, bb, and work at it till you're happy, then i think we'll all be happy too :)

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