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[fic] naran saram
halomaschine
나란 사람/someone like me [6/?]
Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-15 (might change); 25929 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: please inform me of any glaring errors 'ㅅ' apology for the wait at the end of this chapter

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6



Kyuhyun leaves before he can let himself run back up the stairs two at a time, faster than Eunhyuk, into Sungmin's room where he can confess all his fucked up desires and perversions and needs because he doesn't just want Sungmin. When he stumbles out into the snow, falling heavier now than before, he's chilled to the bone with the realization that he desperately fucking needs her. His hands shake and tremble and he shivers from head to toe, stuffing his arms inside his blazer, wishing he'd worn a coat or at least brought mittens. He thinks of Sungmin's burning skin under his touch, thinks of all the places he wants to touch and caress and all of the things he wants to do with her and to her in order to be warm again.

The light in his parents' bedroom is still on and he can't face them with tears streaming down his cheeks and cries of 'Sungmin' just on the tip of his tongue. The moisture dries up his skin and feels like ice as he takes off down the street into the snow falling faster and thicker, settling on his head and shoulders, wrapping him in a blanket of freezing crystals.

It's certainly not the dumbest thing he's ever done.



Kyuhyun catches a cold. He realizes it a few minutes before he suspects he's also managed to get frostbite on his fingers, toes, his ears and the tip of his nose. Sitting on a frozen swing in the park hasn't helped him clear his mind. Neither has the hour of freezing temperatures and steady snowfall. Even so, Kyuhyun takes the long way home and pretends he can't see the dull pink light in Sungmin's window. He packs his belongings as quietly as he can, sniffing every two seconds, head swimming and heart pounding in his ears. He feels delirious and suspects he's not in his right mind but he wasn't earlier, either, or else he wouldn't have done what he did - or so he tells himself. His mother will be so hurt to find him gone in the morning, he thinks.

Sungmin will be crushed, the voice says vacantly.

She would have been crushed, he concedes. If I hadn't forced myself on her and then walked out like she'd done something wrong. Now she'll be glad.

He's back in Seoul, sleeping in the drafty but not-quite-freezing hallway outside Shindong's apartment door within another hour.



"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Shindong asks the following morning.

Kyuhyun looks up from his bowl of rice but barely sees his friend just a few feet away, seated across from him at the kitchen table. He's bundled in blankets and warm clothes but he still feels frozen. There's a block between conscious thought and his ability to speak. The bags beneath his eyes feel bruised and heavy; his skin feels like it's hanging off his bones; the chopsticks held weakly in his right hand feel like they weigh tons.

"I'm an asshole," Kyuhyun manages to choke out around his sore throat. Shindong sighs and rolls his eyes at the same time before getting the whining tea kettle from the stove and pouring him a cup of hot green tea.

"Drink this whole pot or I'll send you back to your mum. She'll know how to take care of you."

Kyuhyun cries as quietly as possible when Shindong excuses himself to take a shower, chugging the tea so fast that he burns his throat, terrified of being thrown out and sent back home.



Shindong leaves for work an hour later. Some restaurant owned by a family member where he can work holiday hours between semesters to save money for paying back school loans. Kyuhyun stares at the plain white door long after it closes, as if he can see through it and follow his friend all the way to work - something to keep himself distracted from his thoughts. But try as he might he can't see through walls and Sungmin's crying face presents itself to him again. He squeezes his eyes shut, curls into himself and buries his face in the tartan blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

Stop crying, the voice barks. Aren't you a man? What the fuck have you even got to cry about?

Kyuhyun tries to stifle the sound of his sobs but he can hear how weak he is, how pathetic and fragile his cries sound, and it hurts - reminds him of Sungmin's tears, reminds him of their wetness under his fingertips, but most especially makes him remember how she held him once while he cried when they were younger. He'd been thirteen years old; it was only a few weeks after Sungmin's parents had allowed him to look after her alone. She was staying the night in his room because her parents had gone out of town for business. His parents were just a few doors down the hall but they hadn't interfered all night, wanting to leave Kyuhyun alone to his 'first job' as they called it.

The responsibility of looking after Sungmin - someone he cherished so much - had become stressful for Kyuhyun. He endlessly enjoyed spending time with her, but now that he was being paid everything seemed much more real; he could screw up, couldn't he? He was just a kid, for God's sake - what if Sungmin got hurt under his care? It would be his fault and how would he live with himself after that? How would he answer to her parents? To himself?

It had taken him much longer than usual to fall asleep, but not for the little girl sleeping on his chest with her thumb curled in her mouth. Only after he'd sifted his fingers through her pretty dark hair for a while had he been able to fall asleep, and yet still he suffered from a nightmare.

Even now his stomach churns, remembering how vivid and real it had seemed; all his fears and worries of Sungmin being hurt under his careless watch. In his nightmare he neglected her long enough for her to slip into the pool in his backyard. For some reason, if only because it was a nightmare, the angelic Sungmin of his dream couldn't swim and she drowned. Kyuhyun, who was sensitive to sunlight, had never been able to learn to swim in their pool and couldn't rescue her. For years he continued to lose sleep, haunted by why he hadn't jumped into the water regardless - trying to save her would have been better than standing there, watching her die. But that night he'd been woken from the nightmare, from Sungmin's little fingers disappearing below the choppy surface of the water, to her worried, childlike voice:

"Oppa? Kyuppa? It's okay to cry, Kyuppa."

It's like he can still hear her voice now, clear as day, and somehow a smile pulls at his tear-stained lips, his face still buried in his blanket. Sungmin had taken to pushing Kyu, her nickname for him, and oppa together, creating yet another nickname. Mostly it was just another way for her to cut corners, like 'Kyu' had been. Kyuhyun had always blushed heavily and shuffled away with Sungmin whenever she called him by it in front of his mother who thought it was adorable and begged to hear it again and again, pinching their cheeks and giving Sungmin an extra cookie at snack time.

When Sungmin woke him from his nightmare her hands had been cupping his cheeks, soaked with his tears, and her cherubic face had been scrunched in concern for him but she hadn't cried.

"You were crying and rolling around, Kyuppa. You rolled me off your tummy while I was asleep!"

Kyuhyun chokes out a weak laugh now, squirming out of his thick blanket while dragging his hand down his face, leaning his head back over the couch as he remembers Sungmin's accusation and the adorable tone of her voice. His beautiful little girl had consoled him until he stopped crying, wiping at his tears with her little fingers, kissing his damp cheeks with her pretty mouth.

"Let's go get a snack, okay Kyuppa? Hmm~ I think milk and cookies will help you get back to sleep!"



Kyuhyun returns to campus a week before classes resume. One of his professors promises to keep him busy with mindless paperwork if he really doesn't want to enjoy his last vacation before "real life" begins. Kyuhyun bows low, eternally grateful; he can't keep sitting around in Shindong's apartment, trying to find any excuse to keep himself distracted. He's come to terms with his problem, if by 'coming to terms' one means 'ignoring his feelings.'

"You can't be with her," Kyuhyun murmurs under his breath on a Monday morning, rubbing a towel at his hair still wet from his shower. "Even if you weren't like a father to her, even if she wasn't your little girl," he reasons blindly. "She's still young and you're old. You're... she's..." he stutters, struggling to find anymore words to keep him set straight on his path of never returning home. "You're getting a job this summer. You'll have to bend over backward for the company for years to get good standing and you'll be lucky if you find job security. You won't even have time for yourself, much less Sungmin," he rambles.

Sungmin who you want to spend every waking and sleeping minute with, right?

"Yes," he hushes.

"Who're you talking to in there?" Shindong calls, rapping on the bathroom door with his knuckles sharply.

"No one," Kyuhyun answers, then lowers his voice again, ignoring the muffled grumbling as Shindong shuffles off down the hall again. "You can't give her what she needs if you're at the office from like, six in the morning until ten at night," he continues.

What a stupid assumption, the voice sneers. And how do you think other couples get together? They all have jobs and responsibilities but they make it work.

"Why are you pushing this?" Kyuhyun huffs, yanking a comb through his half-dried hair. "Aren't you the one who called me a pervert?"

You are a pervert. I'm just saying, the reason you can't be with her isn't because you'll be so busy working, the voice mocks. It's because she's like your daughter and she belongs with someone her own age. Someone who hasn't masturbated in the shower while thinking of her.

"Shut up," Kyuhyun grits out, his face still flushed from his shower but feeling much hotter from the humiliation of his memories.

Plus if you really did have to pull long hours at the office, wouldn't it be good to have a lover who would make you breakfast in the morning, pack you a lunchbox so you didn't starve during the day, and had dinner prepared even if you couldn't come home until ten at night?

"Don't say lover," Kyuhyun nearly shrieks, his fingers trembling as he shoves his legs into a pair of dark jeans and yanks a t-shirt over his head. "Why would I want Sungmin to cater to my hectic schedule? Why would I want her to sacrifice anything for me? She's better than that and she wouldn't be able to, anyway. She's starting college soon. Fuck, college for God's sake! She's so young and I'm so fucking old; she has her whole life ahead of her and I'm already set on the path to work until I have a heart attack-"

"Seriously, who the hell are you talking to in there, Kyuhyun-ah?" Shindong yells, banging on the door again. Kyuhyun unlocks the door hastily and pushes his way out past his friend, desperately wishing the voice would stay trapped in the humidity of the bathroom but he knows he's never had the luck. What's worse is that he knows, now - the voice isn't some disembodied conscience in his head that will steer him in the right direction. It's started to see the possibility of a relationship with Sungmin - something more than what they've always been - which means the voice is really his thoughts and feelings, conflicted and irrational as they may be, and they're starting to lean towards taking the first train home.



Sungmin graduates on a Saturday. Kyuhyun knows because his parents tell him, and Sungmin's parents send him an invitation, and Eunhyuk leaves a voicemail on his cell phone because he is too scared to answer her call:

"Min and I are graduating tomorrow at two in the afternoon in the school auditorium, and her parents are having a party for us at five o'clock in their backyard. She's graduating with honors, Kyuhyun. She has some of the best grades in the entire class and a full scholarship to Seoul National, partially because you taught her while she was younger but mostly because she's had to do it all on her own since you went to college. Why don't you come and see what she's made of herself, Kyuhyun? Or don't you want to see that your little girl is a woman now?"

Kyuhyun's hand is frozen with his phone to his ear, his eyes fixed on the blank wall across from his bed. Eunhyuk's words echo in his head long after the message ends and he's left sitting on his mattress; boxes of his belongings litter the floor of his new, mostly empty apartment. One bedroom, one bath, a small sitting room and an even smaller kitchen; the bare essentials for a guy finally out of grad school and ready to embark on his lonely, equally barren life of work, work, a few hours of sleep, and then more work.

His eyes finally move from the indiscernible spot on the white wall and his hand lowers his phone to the mattress. He looks at the doorway of his room and imagines Sungmin coming in after a long day of classes, tired and yet still responsible: she takes her books out of her bag and organizes them on her desk, the one they managed to fit into the corner of the small bedroom when she moved in. Then she lets her hair down, the faint red sun streaming through the blinds causing it to glow, curling on her shoulders as she unbuttons her shirt and moves out of the room.

Kyuhyun stands and follows his vision, watching in the doorway of the bathroom as she undresses and prepares for a bubble bath to relax after her rough day. She looks beautiful and Kyuhyun can't be bothered to brush away the stinging tears that escape his burning eyes. He hears the front door open and close and turns to see himself coming in, hand loosening a black tie around his throat, the other setting his messenger bag down on the ground. His other self sees the open bathroom door, the young woman in the tub, and smiles. Kyuhyun moves out of his own way and slides down the wall, hearing the echoes of himself teasing his young girlfriend, the intimate splashing of bubbles and Sungmin's delicate laughter.

It's only his imagination - a dream, something Kyuhyun desperately wants - but it seems so real and possible and Kyuhyun wonders at what point did his other self stop being such a fucking coward? At what point did he decide to fucking go for it? What did he do differently that got him everything he ever wanted?



Kyuhyun takes the train back to Incheon early the next morning.

He doesn't call Yesung ahead of time because he knows his hyung will just hang up on him, so he plans to show up unannounced.

"Kyuhyun-ah~ what are you doing here? Home for the summer again?" Ryeowook asks, stepping aside to let the younger into the loft.

"Not really," Kyuhyun replies, trying to work some sort of energy into his voice, but he knows he sounds drained and blank and unlike the way Ryeowook probably remembers him. They knew each other much better in high school, and when he asked Yesung for prints at the end of last year, he was in better spirits. "Is Yesung here?"

Ryeowook puffs out his cheeks and stuffs his arms across his chest. Kyuhyun is amused that he can still manage to look five years younger than he really is and cracks a small smile.

"Sorry, Wookie. I'm kind of pressed for time and I was hoping he'd let me borrow his DSLR."

"You always did dream big even when you knew something was impossible," Ryeowook notes seriously, cocking his head to the side.

Kyuhyun doesn't like being scrutinized as if he were under a microscope, which was why he started eating proper meals the last couple of months even though he still didn't feel hungry, and going to bed by eleven o'clock every night, and taking a power nap during a rare break in the middle of his day. It was tiring when his professors and classmates would stare blatantly at his disheveled appearance, the bruises and bags under his eyes and his body wasting away to almost nothing. His only motivation to take care of himself had been to avoid the hassle of inquisitive stares and the occasional, awkward 'are you okay?'

And eventually accepting the fact that he and Sungmin had no future together; everything between them was in the past and would stay that way... which was why he had to be discreet today.

"Yesung would say no if he were here, you know that. You wouldn't even be able to annoy him into lending it to you so you would get out of his hair," Ryeowook comments casually.

It's Kyuhyun's turn to puff out his cheeks.

"But I will let you borrow it, Kyuhyun-ah~ Yesung doesn't need to know; he's working late tonight, anyway. When can you return it by?"

"I should be back here by about six o'clock tonight. I brought my laptop to transfer the pictures; I can delete them from the camera before he finds out."

"Oh, Sungie will probably find out one way or another, even if it's because I tell him on purpose so he'll be angry and get rough-"

"I know where you're going with that comment, and I won't mind if you rat me out so long as you don't continue that thought out loud," Kyuhyun sniffs.



It's not hard for Kyuhyun to blend in with the numerous mothers and fathers crowding near the stage, eager to get pictures of their son or daughter as they receive their diploma. Kyuhyun hangs back, however, not wanting to be found out by Sungmin. He spotted her as soon as she filed in with her classmates despite them all looking identical in their cap and gown: Sungmin looked radiant when he saw her then for the first time since he left her alone in her room on her birthday.

Even now, she keeps twisting her head around as if looking for someone, and Kyuhyun has to keep shifting his weight to the other foot, hiding partially behind the man standing next to him and a tall, potted plant. Kyuhyun wonders if Sungmin knows Eunhyuk called him; wonders if Eunhyuk exaggerated and said 'I told him if he doesn't come I'll kick his ass!' and that Sungmin knows Kyuhyun is terrified to get beaten by her; wonders if Sungmin even misses him at all, or if she's looking for the new boyfriend she surely has.

You're ridiculous, the voice taunts, and Kyuhyun grits his teeth, pretending he can't hear it.

Sungmin looks beautiful, peeking discreetly over her shoulder now and then, with her long dark hair curled and flowing down from her blue cap. Even from a good distance her skin looks radiant to Kyuhyun, glowing even, and her eyelids shimmer with faint make-up, lips sparkling with the pretty raspberry gloss he likes so much. Her big round eyes peer childishly around until someone seated next to her nudges her with their elbow. Sungmin's lips purse and her cheeks puff out, and Kyuhyun hurriedly raises Yesung's camera to capture the moment: another photo to add to the handful he snapped when she came in with her classmates and took her seat.

School officials drone on about excellence, success, and the future while the students try to sit still and parents try not to fall asleep, waiting for their child to walk across the stage. Kyuhyun is determined not to miss the few moments he'll have to capture Sungmin's time on stage: he'll have to be slick and careful in order to not be discovered by her, which is why he dutifully ate the lunch Ryeowook packed for him. He knew he'd need the energy later.

When Sungmin's row is finally instructed to file toward the stage, Kyuhyun slips along behind them, watching Sungmin's curls rustling against her shoulder as she walks. Something pulls in his chest, something that wants to reach out for her, to apologize, to congratulate her.

You don't have to have everything. You don't deserve everything. You can just be her friend, you know. Can't you be grateful you're even able to have that much? She'd probably forgive you for jumping her: you could apologize and congratulate her like you want. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Kyuhyun watches Sungmin standing just off the side of the stage and discreetly takes a knee among the other people taking pictures. He busies himself taking photos at all the right moments, watching her fingers trembling by her side as she bows low to her headmaster and accepts the white rose with her diploma. Her smile is bright and excited and Kyuhyun feels so proud of her as she looks out over her classmates, neck adorned with honors of excellence, hands clutching her diploma and rose delicately. He can remember the very first time he helped her with her homework and the very last, and now it's over - she's done. This period of her life is ending so that she can embark on a new chapter in her life... and Kyuhyun will have nothing to do with it.

It does have to be all or nothing, he swears while capturing one last photo of Sungmin's beautiful smile. So it will be nothing.



Kyuhyun lies to his parents when they call after the graduation ceremony ends.

"You said you'd try to make it, Kyuhyunnie," his mother scolds, but her voice doesn't sound very lively or convincing, as if she's tired of trying to steer him in the right direction only to see him fuck up time and again.

"I know," he answers dejectedly, his stomach twisting with the guilt of lying now and having lied to her before.

"You can still make it to her party if you come now," she offers, a bit of hope lifting her voice.



Kyuhyun knows he can't stay long; can't spare a second of getting caught up watching Sungmin receiving hugs, shaking hands, thanking her guests for their gifts and for coming; can't take even a minute to enjoy watching her smile and laugh and pose for photographs with Eunhyuk, because he might get caught - someone might notice and recognize him, like his parents or Sungmin's parents or Eunhyuk or Sungmin herself.

And she does. Kyuhyun freezes while lowering Yesung's camera from his face, eyes locking with hers when she spots him. She's motionless, Eunhyuk tugging her rigid waist to turn toward a different camera, but Sungmin's face remains fixed toward Kyuhyun. His heart thunders heavily in his chest and when Sungmin blinks he comes back to himself, hurriedly stuffs the camera back in its protective case and turns, slipping quickly through the people mingling and talking.



"Did you hear me, Kyuhyun? I love you, Kyuhyun," Sungmin whispers; her voice cracks and she's crying, standing in front of Kyuhyun with slumped, bare shoulders that tremble with each sob. Kyuhyun is struck mute and suddenly Sungmin's head snaps back up in the silence. She looks tragic but lovely, Kyuhyun thinks, with her cheeks stained from the blood under her skin and the messy tear tracks and her smudged mascara and her full lips parting to cry. "I said I love you, Kyuhyun. I love you, Kyuhyun!" She cries and he purses his lips, feeling his paper-thin defense begin to crumble under her carefully constructed attack. "Kyuhyun, I love you," she says again, and again, until Kyuhyun is shaking, too.

She's doing it on purpose, repeating his name like that; drilling it into his skull, into the final part of his body that still tries to cling to some sort of logical reason why they cannot be together - why he has to stay in his apartment here instead of showing up at her house to do her anymore favors, like taking photographs on her graduation day and having them printed and delivered as some kind of pathetic apology, then subsequently getting caught doing it and making things even worse.

Every day fucking hurts; Kyuhyun misses her, and not just Sungmin as his little girl, not just the way she used to be when she was younger and everything was safe, but the way she is now, in this moment - completely open and vulnerable, honest and sincere, a grown woman who's not afraid to confess her feelings. Part of Kyuhyun has trouble believing it, but it's that irrational part of him that holds on to things of the past. He asks himself how could Sungmin really love him and then he reminds himself that he loves her, too, so why not? Why can't she? Why does he think he has the right to question her feelings? Is it really so fucking hard to believe? Just because he's spent the last three years running away from her instead of holding her closer?

"Kyuhyun," she murmurs, her lips wet with tears as she reaches out with trembling hands and cups his warm, damp cheeks. Kyuhyun hadn't even realized that he'd begun to cry, but he is crying and Sungmin is stepping forward into his personal space. "Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun," she breathes, coming closer until he can feel the heat radiating from her body, even in the humid summer air of the night. "I'm in love with you, Kyuhyun. And I'm not going to wait anymore," she swears, exhaling shakily and then her lips are pressing against his own, certain and confident and Kyuhyun's eyes squeeze shut, his mouth opening in response.

Sungmin's lips taste like her tart, raspberry chapstick and the saltiness of her tears. Kyuhyun never thought he would kiss a girl like this if ever; when she's crying and she's brushing supple fingertips over his imperfect cheeks because he's crying, too. When he used to fight his fantasies - before he slipped up and kissed her on her birthday - he had never imagined that kissing Sungmin could be like this and sometimes it was hard to imagine she would respond at all. He beat himself up so often over his feelings that he couldn't even live in his dream world with her anymore.

"You're still thinking, aren't you?" Sungmin whispers into his mouth, then tugs at his lower lip with her teeth, causing his stomach to burn and his head to bow in shame. Her fingers brush over his cheeks one more time before sliding into his hair and tilting his head up slightly, forcing him to look her in the eye instead of staring at their hips just inches apart. "Don't keep it to yourself, Kyuhyun. Tell me," she insists, curling her fingers and fisting his hair gently. "I want to know why you won't love me," she murmurs, pulling on his hair when he bows his head again. "I want to know why you would kiss me on my birthday if you don't love me. I want to know why you would start to undress me if you weren't going to finish," she says innocently.

Kyuhyun’s face is burning with embarrassment not just from Sungmin saying these things out loud, but from the memory of all the other times he's ever touched her in a way he shouldn't have. She has no idea how long he's thought of her as something other than just his little girl - how long he's dreamed of running his hand up her bare leg, from the tips of her pink-painted toes to the top of her full thigh and in between - and how long it's been more than just Kyuhyun lusting after her. It's been Kyuhyun missing and needing his friend, his Sungmin who he's closer to than anyone else in the world despite distancing himself. He misses her merely being there, and he would take just her friendship if being around her didn't make him want more.

"Why, Kyuhyun?" She asks patiently, straining her delicate neck up to press her lips to his again. "I've been wondering why since you left me again. Why do you come back if you don't love me? Why did you come back to my house the day I graduated? Why'd you take those pictures of me at the ceremony and at the party? What are you doing if you don't -"

"Stop -" Kyuhyun chokes, reaching up to pull her hands out of his hair, pressing their palms together between their chests and entwining their fingers. "Don't say that," he begs, curling his fingers and clutching her hands with his own. "Don't say I don't love you. Don't say that," he breathes heavily, meeting her eyes fearlessly for the first time since he can remember. "I do, Sungmin. I do love you," he promises and watches her eyes widen slightly, lips parted and frozen in place, as if she hadn't expected that to be the truth, or hadn't expected her spineless oppa to finally confess it.

"Th-then -" she begins, but Kyuhyun hushes her with his lips, kissing her softly and sweetly with all the restraint he possesses.

"But I want more," he whispers into her parted lips, wetting his own and brushing hers just barely in the process. "I've loved you since you were a little girl, Sungmin. Since you were three-years-old and sucking your thumb," he teases, and Sungmin laughs, fresh tears leaking from her eyes as she cups his face again. Kyuhyun thinks she looks happier than he's ever seen her in all their years together and apart. "And I've wanted you to be mine for longer than I want to admit," he whispers again, his voice barely registering in his own ears among the sounds of crickets chirping in the night. Sungmin's eyes are on him, rapt with attention and curiosity, her fingers sliding down his neck nervously, fidgeting like she's afraid of what he'll say next.

"I haven't been good to you, Sungmin. I've been thinking of you in ways I shouldn't be," he continues, his voice still soft, telling secrets that he doesn't want anyone to hear or anything to bear witness to. Their only audience is the black night and the lamps lining the walk outside Kyuhyun's door, three floors up from the ground, and the apartment complex across the street. The trees over Sungmin's shoulder rustle in a rare rush of wind and Kyuhyun trails his hands down Sungmin's narrow waist, out over the curve of her hips. "It isn't fair to you, so that's why I keep leaving. Okay?" He asks as if he's talking to a child, but his fingertips are slipping beneath Sungmin's black t-shirt. He feels her warm supple skin under his hands and presses them carefully against her until it's just skin on skin, his heart racing in his chest, his eyes focusing down to where he's touching instead of on her face.

"No," Sungmin murmurs, sliding her hands back up to his face, forcing him to look at her. "No," she says again, more firmly this time. Truth be told, Kyuhyun is scared of the angry look in her eye. "What do you think you're doing, Kyuhyun?" She asks seriously, her eyes searching his desperately. "What good are you doing by leaving me over and over again? What isn't fair to me is that you keep running away - that's what isn't fair," she says firmly, sliding her hands down his arms, finding his hands under her shirt. "What part of this do you have a problem with? You'll kiss me and touch me like this but it's not okay? You'll do this because you want to but then you'll regret it and leave? That doesn't make sense, Kyuhyun. Not at all and - and I want you to stay, okay? I want you to do these things... kiss me and touch me," she says fearlessly, her breath leaving her in a rush, her body pushing forward to press her hips against his. "But then I want you to always be there... stop leaving, Kyuhyun," she begs, pushing harder against him until he's stumbling back into his apartment. "Stay with me," she pleads, burying her face into his neck, pressing hurried kisses against his throat as he pinches his eyes shut and lets his hands wander further up under her shirt.

"I love you, Kyuhyun. I love you and I need you more than this," she confesses brazenly. Kyuhyun sees her dark eyes catch the light from the street lamps just before the door closes behind them, leaving them in the dark of his unlit apartment.



I kind of hate reading and writing long author's notes (who cares!) but I thought I owed an apology because this part didn't come out as quickly as the others. I was sad for a week, had family in town for another week, my semester resumed the next week, my assignments came the following week, and to be honest I cannot say when I'll have the chance to write/share more :( I'm having a hard time feeling confident with my writing, or perhaps just the point this story is at. I feel like I'm insulting my readers and the characters themselves by writing and posting, so I don't post and just keep trying to work things out, but then a month goes by and I realize it's no better than originally. Regardless I am sincerely sorry if you were waiting, and to those who got sick of waiting and will no longer be reading ㅠㅠ

and to the tumblr user who contacted me: do not fear, I shall never betray kyumin especially for that particular pairing. They are my OTP for life :)

Yaaaay! Part 6!~ And don't worry about getting parts out on time or what you write; not this many would be eagerly awaiting to see this on their f-list pages if they didn't care :). Please have a little bit more confidence in your writing~

The confession scene was beautiful ;___;. It always breaks my heart to read about Kyuhyun crying and it was done so well. His conscience really needs to shut up, haha, and he needs to... leave himself alone.

The hinted yewook was a cute touch too :P.

POUNCE~ TO YOU POUNCE~ TO YOU

I will try to not psych myself out anymore... and also be better and less derp >_> but I am always saying this and it never comes to fruition.

I hate Kyuhyun crying ;_; why does he do it so often in this fic... who is writing this thing, anyway? >:| I've fought a mental battle of "well, I know some people will scoff if he cries, because he is a ~man and ~men don't cry" but he can't help himself D: he is past the point of being able to respond according to The Rules of Being A Man. Perhaps approaching insanity... really wae does he have a voice in his head ;_;

I'm glad you read this thing~ and more so that you have returned~ I will hopefully resume bugging you with my kyubsession :3 ps sj-m didn't release anything while you were gone, after all. C WOT THEY DID THAR?

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yey!!! an update!!!
no worries, whatever chaptered fic i start reading, i'll wait and wait and see thru it to the end, no matter how long the next chapter comes...
so i was actually waiting for this one and was pleasantly surprised to see an update...
i love the confession, and i hope kyuhyunnie would just put all his reservations and stubborn conscience in a trash bag for the time being so he can jump on hot sungmin already LOL...
please update soon =)

Faithful reader ;_; you are a thousand times more patient than I am. If I could, I would give you a lollipop that was shaped like Kyuhyun's head. Of course the longer you enjoyed it, the more deformed and unrecognizable it would become, but still. Kyuheadlollipop... :D

IKR, if sexual frustration was the only factor for Kyuhyun, idk why he wouldn't be all over her the minute she kissed him, much less ~pressed herself against him sensually~ d;fgihdfgoi this is exactly why I'm incapable of writing anything sexual, lulz. Poor idiot Kyu just stands there, rubbing her stomach beneath her shirt? and probably thinking "hm, I want to put a baby in here~"

Thank you for continuing to read and taking the time to comment, I hope I can update before another grossly long amount of time passes ;-;

You're not terrible for having a life and for feeling like you should do your characters and story justice. The point is you've written something so worthwhile and real that most people who read are either too enthralled to know what to say, or too intimidated to admit there is someone who can take them to another world entirely with simple words.

Kyuhyun's internal struggle is irritating, to say that least. But it's relatable, or as relatable as a grown man in love with the girl he helped raise can be. His love for her transcends the physicality of it yet hormonally, it manifested in lustful thoughts and indecent hopes.

The only thing I wish there was more of is Sungmin's perspective. Now, I know writing from her point of view isn't the basis of this story. It's actually refreshing that it's told from Kyuhyun's view throughout and have it stay there. We get to see her sadness in her words and reactions through his eyes and still, I selfishly want to know what she's going through as he leaves her every time. And why she finally decided to go to him and get what she wanted instead of silently hoping he'd act.

(Long comment was my attempt a peace offering for being too lazy to voice my opinions on the last couple of chapters. I suck.)

^^~

A... a whole new worldddddd~ sry too busy bumbling around like an embarrassed twat because you are so flattering u_u

Irritating is putting it far too kindly, lol. Half the time I am sympathizing with him because I kind of have to, but the other half I am in line with every frustrated comment I've ever received, thinking he should just get over it already ;-; But watching Korean dramas has taught me that I'm an amateur at creating drawn-out stories... this is nothing compared to a drama. I could make this really painfully annoying if I wanted to >:3 thank god I don't want to suffer anymore than anybody else~

I think I lamented to another commenter a few chapters ago about how I want to write Sungmin's POV, too. There are a handful of moments where I think "fuck, Min's reaction would've been much more entertaining than Kyu's crying and whining about his little girl." Especially because it's painfully obvious that Kyu has no idea what's going on in Min's head ;_; which means we can only rely on what he observes, and he spends too much of his time trying not to observe her, so... >_> Anyway, I agree with your curiosity, and it's been one of the things frustrating me as I write.

I am not butthurt if readers don't comment every time. I accept responsibility if they don't; if I were a reader I would boycott leaving feedback until Kyu jumped Min, tbh. But I'm glad you did tell me your thoughts~ especially about Min's POV; the only reason it isn't included is because this story came to me sort of suddenly from Kyu's POV and I wrote a lot of it on auto-pilot. Once it's been posted and time has passed, then I see where I would've done things differently but it's too late to go back. Maybe somehow I can work it in after the fact~

WHY CAN'T I BE MORE SUCCINCT /SHOT

;AAAAAAAA; finally and update T^T

Sungmin is so brave! Shame on you Kyu because Min is way more mature than you! xDDD Min go go Min! ^0^

please update as soon as you can :) I think the rating will go higher yes? xD

Kyumin FTW <333

I'm glad you mentioned Sungmin's bravery~ to be honest, when I first thought of this scene (several months ago u_u) it went very differently in my head... but because of how the rest of the story had turned out, I thought it made more sense for Sungmin to just get tired of waiting and... and yeah. Brave!Sungmin~

The... the rating should go higher... probably... perhaps D: It's kind of up in the air right now, but I am aware that many people have been wanting them to just LSDIUFHLAUGD already. Sadly I don't think I possess the pervy skill to write such a scene but if it begs to be written I have little choice /sobs

Thank you for reading and commenting~ especially with sprouts!eunhyuk icon :P

oh hi..i've been reading this story but apparently i'm so lazy to comment, just want to say that it's fine if you post way too long after the last one, i dont really have any idea on how those people's brains with a gift in writing works (just like you) but if you feel that way (author's note) then it's really up to you. We readers are lucky enough to stumble on people who are willing to write and share them so you dont have to be burdened...

On a side note, this is a really good fic...i dont care if you update it once you like, just dont abandon it...and i'm looking forward to more of your stories..so goodluck sweetie both on this and your other endeavors...

I think if I ever abandoned this story, girl!Sungmin would hunt me down and threaten my life until I gave her and her Kyuppa a happy ending D: er, double entendre included.

I really like your respect and regard for writing, even beyond the fact that you like my particular story :) I'm not sure how other people (writers) feel, but for me even if a really elaborate idea comes to me, sometimes it can be a battle to put it into words that vaguely communicate it, and then it takes a lot of courage to post if I'm even sort of satisfied with the result. I will try to keep your words in mind when I get to continue writing this; I hope it will help me~ thank you for taking a minute to tell me your thoughts :3

what are you talking about?
your fics are awesome. i don't mind waiting, take your time.
please keep on writing!!!

This was brilliant and it doesn't matter about the wait! I haven' updated one of my fics for months lol

You did a wonderful job with this part and I cannot wait for the next. Take your time baby, true art doesn't pop out over night! :D


O_O
O... M... G...
O_O

D-did this really happen???!!!!
Did it did it did it, ne ne ne..???!!!!
OMG!!!
Yesssssssssssss~
YAY~
*jumps around... Spazzing*
They confessed..... FINALLY.!!!!!!!
I'm soooooooooo freaking happy!!!
I'M TOTALLY LOVING THIS!!!
Seriously can't wait for the next chapter...
And you know... This is one of the best stories i've ever read!!
i'll mem this when I get back from school!!!!
^___^

Lol your O_O I can't breathe~

I'm glad their ~confession~ was to your liking, since I know a lot of people have been waiting forever for it ;-;

thank you for spazzing to me like a hyper little kyupuppy~ I feel really pleased that you enjoyed it this much ^_^

I thought you got devoured by life before kyuhyunsungmin could devour kyuhyun o_o I'm so happy you updated today I just..... ;~; (partially because had you updated tomorrow I wouldn't read it until Thursday D:::::::)

I was hoping kyuhyun would grow balls. Oh but at least he FINALLY admitted his feelings =_= I was ready to give up on him as well lol............ orz SO THEY LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER THE END. and happy kyuppa is happily living out his fantasies 8DDDDDDD I find kid!min comforting teen!kyu so kyute IDE ;~; ♥

oh well kyu she's legal now. AHAHAHAHAHA >8}

lol@thatpairing

Life is indeed eating me :( I want to be spit back out... (I want to like, take a poll to find the best day during the week for my readers to post but inevitably someone would always be butthurt.)

Technically I think Sungmin was the one to grow balls first... weirdly gross u_u and Kyu just sort of deliriously went along with it because he is still crazy and doesn't think anything will come of it ;_; but in the meantime he will fondle her under her shirt~ perv. lol kyu and his bubble bath fantasies sldifhsldfis I almost literally squealed when I thought of little!min sleeping on kyu's chest like a bb. Or like... a little puppy. Or kitten. KYUTEKYUTEKYUTEEEEEE.

I imagine Sungmin might need to compile a list of all the reasons why it's okay for Kyu to alsduifhasdf her, and write it down for him, and make sure he reads it in its entirety, several times, in order to facilitate this relationship lulz

lol is my loathing for ~thatpairing obvious?

Thanx for the update!! ^^
I have to say this is not a fast update but hey~ everybody needs time for themselves..and you too..so no problem at all ^^
Good luck with everything!!

I'm having a hard time feeling confident with my writing, or perhaps just the point this story is at.I feel like I'm insulting my readers and the characters themselves by writing and posting, so I don't post and just keep trying to work things out
aawwww~ please don't say that *hugs*
*sniffs* just believe that you will always be you..I hope that's enough to give you confidence to continue this.

And now comment for the story..
Awww~ you~~ *hugs till you collapse*
I really thought Kyu won't pass his "coward" phase..until the end of this chapter..
but..awwww~ *hugs you again*
He asks himself how could Sungmin really love him and then he reminds himself that he loves her, too, so why not? Why can't she? Why does he think he has the right to question her feelings?
THIS.
Maybe all Kyu needs from the beginning was Sungmin to confess to him LOL
oh well he needs to be smacked from the beginning after all xDD
"It isn't fair to you, so that's why I keep leaving. Okay?"
aish~ let me smack this guy!!
Oh kyu~ it's not you to decide what is fair/unfair to your little girl~

Okay I think I need to stop now before I end up making a summary of your fic LOL

MY HEART MY HEART MY HEART IS SOBBING WITH BOTH JOY AND ANGST.
KYUHYUN FINALLY GREW SOME BALLS OMG.
SUNGMINNNNNN ;______________________;
I love this fic so so so so so so muchhhh! <3 <3 <3
I do hope that you can update soon! Would you mind if I friended you? :3

D: Kyu always had balls just... they were undernourished misguided HIDING IDK THIS SOUNDS SO PERVERTED NEVER MIND Kyu can defend his own balls if he's bothered by your accusation OTL

So glad you enjoyed this chapter~ readers are always free to add this journal if they wish to see the updates on their flist~

awww no need to sorry for your late update...you have your own live too right ^^

I really love Minnie in this chapter...she's like the world bravest girl ever...she has the gut to tell kyu bout her feeling even though she knew kyu keeps running away from her
I hope Minnie's action could make kyu stop from being a coward...talking to your other self won't solve your problem kyu...you have to talk to the one who cause your problem that is Minnie herself
but I have to admit that like kyu's imagination of Minnie and him kekeke

I can't wait to read the next chapter but please don't force your self to update this as soon as possible if you really have no time to update or still have other things to do....I believe your reader will wait you patiently or at least I will ^^

thanks for updating~! :)

It's weird that his "other self" is talking to him. LOL
and Shindong didn't find it that creepy. kk

and ninja!yewook

Finally after Kyu's endless worries.
they're together now!
thanks to Minnie for having the courage to confess! :))
and did they do it? *grins*

pls update soon! ^^.

I love your A/N.. KyuMin is also my OTP FOREVA! ^____^

IRL-sexist!Shindong has no right to judge fandom-psychotic!Kyuhyun >_> but he was perturbed by Kyu's chatting to... someone in the bathroom, lol. Bossy!kyu owes him no explanation though and just stomps off like a brat~

But yes, all the advancement of their relationship is due entirely to Min's bravery at this point, lol ;-;

If they did 'it,' we will have to wait and see... >:]

Thank you for reading and leaving a comment~ otp twins :3

I... I.... You've left me speechless... Im overwhelmed by all the angst you thrown in there and joy I'm feeling rn you seeing you update after so long and life hasn't been ok for me lately too, so I fully understands your AN at the end :D

Hahaha Im rambling nonsense :D maybe coz I just write 6 freakin essay, 5 pages each. My hands are falling off its socket D:

I'm sorry life has been cruel to you, faithful reader~ I wish I could write you some magical kyumin fluff to make it go away ;-; Sungmin will tenderly massage your hands for you, and Kyuhyun will... well, he'll be busy playing Starcraft but Sungmin will take care of you >_> until Kyu whines that his hands hurt, too, and then you may have to fight for Sungmin's attention /sweatdrop

I'm... glad you enjoyed the angst? Right? Lol~ Hopefully their are joyous times ahead for our stunted OTP~ Thank you for reading and leaving me a comment even though your poor hands must be immobile at this point D:

You don't need to apologize. :3 If other people are impatient, then your fic doesn't deserve to be read by them~ ^^
The right plot hits writers at the right time~ we should never rush something just to please our readers. Sometimes, readers will appreciate your writing even though it's been so long since the last time you updated because they know the update is worth it~ :)

It hasn't been a month! Don't worry! And I was actually amazed, because last time you updated this, I was having an exam the day after. Now, I am going to have an exam tomorrow again. XD

This is sure a stress reliever. A way to at least freshen up before going to war, (i.e. gazillions of handouts).

Let's go to my comment now okay?

I can say that Sungmin really has balls! I knew Kyuhyun will be chicken forever. And it's all thanks to Sungmin that they can possibly be together if Kyuhyun will stop being a bastard and actually step up for once. I just hope Kyuhyun will stop running away. ._____.

After reading this update, I only have 2 questions in mind...
1. Will you update again when I have test the next day? 8D
2. Will there be smuttttt next chapter too? /shivers with anticipation

The right plot hits writers at the right time~

This is so true ;-; I think I fail to keep it in mind and stress myself out trying to force things sometimes.

I hope your exam was not harrowing D: when is your next exam? I will try to be prepared for it, lol >_>

Sungmin's balls > Kyuhyun's balls (or lack thereof). Perhaps Kyuhyun will marvel at Sungmin's balls and be inspired to act more ballsy. I'm never going to use the word balls ever again after this comment ㅠㅠ When I first thought of this fic, Kyuhyun was much more... in control and less delusional at this point of the story, but when I got to writing it, somehow it changed and I felt like his character wasn't ready to be brave yet - and if Sungmin didn't come to him, they would never have a chance :( Hopefully her bravery will teach him a lesson or two, or perhaps he'll sit back and let her take the initiative... which would lead to girl!Sungmin topping the hell out of oppa!Kyuhyun, in an epic smut that I am certainly incapable of writing D:

Whether there is smut (lol I have to always cross that word out, I feel so impure when I use it...) or not is sort of out of my hands. I had things in mind for this story that changed as I was writing; it has a mind of its own and does what it wants to. If the scene begs to be written, it might happen, although I would have to like... devote time to studying smut or something because I have no experience writing it D: but there won't be smut just for the sake of there being a smut scene DOES THIS MAKE SENSE /SHOT

tl;dr Thank you for reading and telling me your thoughts, lol ㅠㅠ a reader's opinion, questions, and curiosities are invaluable ♡

It's okay you know. I think you don't even have to apologize if you haven't updated sooner, 'cause all of us have a life. So I think that's good~

Actually, I still like the flow of the story and I'm kinda glad that he already knew what Sungmin thinks 'cause I think that's what he needs. He needs Sungmin more than anything.

oh and really thank you for updating! ^___^ It really made my day and everyone who loves you and your writing! ♥

fuck. this is gorgeous.
read the entire thing in one go (and i really really don't do that often, i lose patience with chaptered fics) and jesus. i am legit heartbroken.

kyuhyun's struggle fucking hurts. it is intense and worrying and realistic and exact. and bloody annoying, but that's what makes this all the more real. and i like your prose, no flashy big words, no fireworks or fanfare, just telling the story of kyuhyun's heart and it is beautiful. it's clear as day with what kyuhyun's feeling, and i think that fits so well with this story.

and idk if it helps but you really should have more confidence in your characterization and writing. i have this giant thing with characterization in fic, especially in this fandom, and i really turn a very critical eye on unrealistic one-dimensional personalities in fic, but yours is nothing like that. kyuhyun seems spineless, but is actually probably braver than sungmin imo, because courage isn't about people jumping out of helicopters or being able to confess in front of whoever you like. it's about being strong enough to hold your tears and emotions in when you have to do what you have to do, and that's exactly what kyuhyun's doing. your sungmin is beautiful, right down to her pink-painted toes and she's not a sweet yielding little girl, she's a smart little cookie who's playful and qt and stands rooted in her principles. and i think i love your eunhyuk the most, a brain of genius and balls of steel that girl has, really.

and the yewook injects precious hints of humor in this fic so it doesn't sear my heart that much.

so no pressure with the writing, but i just wanna say that this was really, really good. honest. ♥

I lose patience with chaptered fics, too ;-; perhaps that is another reason why I'm so aware of how long it takes me to update.

I think in the beginning it was my intent to sort of draw out Kyuhyun's "issues" because I noticed in all the Literature (yes, with the capital L >_>) I have to read for my major, shit never goes the way common sense dictates it should - people have stupid, long-suffering struggles that ruin lives and it takes up hundreds of pages and drives me fucking nuts. But I started to think maybe that is something that's been lacking in my writing - there isn't enough conflict, so I wanted to purposely focus on that this time around, but then it just sort of worked itself out that way regardless. Kyuhyun developed a personality with his initial 'problem' and it happened on its own. And that's where I completely agree that it's fucking annoying, lol. Even I get fed up with his poor attempts at rationalizing but then I remind myself that sometimes not only is fiction like that, but in reality, humans are no better at making "common sense" choices than characters like Kyuhyun. From our point of view everything is so obvious, but he's trapped in his own mind and sees everything through that tragically skewed lens. Poor bb :(

I'm really encouraged that you like my prose and characterization /dying of joy and embarrassment. I sometimes feel defeated when I see great writing, instead of feeling motivated to improve. But also I've come to see that I actually don't like ~flashy big words, fireworks, and fanfare. Sometimes I feel like writers are trying to talk down to me with their overbearing voice, and subsequently their characterizations seem off, too. So even though I am not capable of writing in that way, I still try my best with what vocabulary and ability I may or may not have ㅎㅎ I like that you find Kyuhyun brave, too :) I've touted him as being spineless and scared but really I've learned a lot from the way he reacts in situations. Even though we all want him to jump Sungmin~ it's still important to note that, right or wrong, he sees their relationship a certain way, and no matter what he wants, he won't go against what he thinks is "right." Also I've noted that Eunhyuk seems very popular, haha~ I will have to make sure she shows her face again :D

Sorry for writing a mini-novel back at you D: but some things you said really got me thinking and I'm going to take every word to heart. Thank you for your honesty and for reading; I hope you will critique me in the future if I fuck up majorly ㅠㅠ

i...i miss too kick you~ *kicks*
i think i forgot to comment before =p
but dont forget i always read your fic xDDD

and finally minnie take the step. >.< i'm glad, because i think kyu will not have the guts to do that.
and i figure he's having imaginary friend now. -___-
creepy.i learn psychology and it's still creepy for me. LOL
and i dont really get the last scene. did sungmin go and catch kyu in his apartment?is this still the day she's graduating? 0_0

so, next chappie will be the scene of lovey dovey kyu and min, right? and will be the scene where kyu kick his imaginary friend away. xD

id he still reject her, then i will hunt you down. yes, YOU. because you are the writer. xDDD

<333

I miss being covered with bruises from your unique way of showing affection~

It's too bad Kyu's ~imaginary friend isn't more supportive of him... then he could talk Kyu into having the guts to go for Sungmin, lol ㅠㅠ

It isn't quite the day of her graduation, but I know I didn't do a very good job of moving fluidly into that scene. At one point Kyu ruminates on the fact that he took photos at Sungmin's graduation, then sent them to her; I sort of ignorantly assumed that people would infer it takes time for choosy!Kyuhyun to select the best pictures, have them developed and delivered, etc. Min also asks why Kyu came to her house the day she graduated, but again I see it isn't explicit that I meant for it to be in the past. I tried to write this chapter a bit more brokenly and jumbled to reflect Kyuhyun's declining health and mental-state, where there are several scene breaks and it jumps from hours to days to months between each scene. But there is no set time between the day Sungmin graduated and the day she comes to his apartment - the only really important thing to note is that the scene at the end of this chapter is the continuation of the very first scene of the story, if that wasn't clear /bricked

That was one of the spots I was particularly frustrated with when I was writing. WAE DID YOU HAVE TO CALL ME OUT AND HUMILIATE ME DDDDD: jk but because you asked for clarification I will know better for the next time~

Sungmin will clear the cobwebs out of Kyuhyun's brain and get rid of that obnoxious voice~ then Kyu will only converse with her~

YOU CAN'T DESTROY ME I am hardly responsible for what Kyu and Min do... unless of course you like what they do, then I will take credit for everything, lulz

뽀뽀~

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KYUHYUN-AH you think so much! Stop for a while and learn to enjoy yourself for once! We only have one to live after all. You're JUST TOO GUARDED IDE ~ =/

Awe Kyuhyun's greatest fear is losing Sungmin - well, go get her now! What're you waiting for!? *sigh*


KYUPPA so KYUte! Where can I get one?trolol

And ninja!YeWook there got me LOL-ing ~

AND OMFG Kyuhyun stop thinking that you're old! Seven years aint much! I'll tell you what's old --- Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies ~ NOW, THAT'S OLD!

THIS: He's come to terms with his problem, if by 'coming to terms' one means 'ignoring his feelings. ~ So heartbreaking *is bawling while patting Kyuhyun*

OMO don't apologize! In fact, we owe it to you to write such a beautiful story ~ and don't think it's not good 'coz it really is! I swear it's osm. JSYK, I wouldn't be tired of waiting for the updates of this wonderful story ~
CHEER UP! KyuMin yeongwonhi! Saranghae!*heart sign with Min*

hi... im a new reader... and i totally love your fic...
its nice to read...
and its kyumin... keke..

please update soon...

Just re-read this...
This is such a BEAUTIFUL story!!!
.. I love it!!^^

OHMYGOSH!!! :((
I feel so so so so bad now.
That I just found out, just now, that you updated.
School was hell for the past months, but that's not a valid excuse from not looking after your fic.
I'M SO SORRY :((
I hope you did not think that I abandoned you cause that's the list thing in my list.
I really feel bad.
Sorry again.
Off to read this and the upcoming chapters.
SORRY AGAIN :(

I will further explain my side
My computer actually crashed..twice in the past few months, making
all my bookmarks disappear.
And I think that's the reason I lost your fic.
but then good thing I suddenly remembered my favorite KyuMin fic.
And then I tried bombarding my lj to find you.


Anyways. I don't know when you can read this.
But PLS. DON'T FEEL SAD! YOU SHOULD BE CONFIDENT. BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING AN AWESOME JOB.
I know it may be hard for you to think and think for us readers, but if you need any support you need (but not financial) I will surely give you.

Goodluck in whatever you are doing now :D
And I hope you see this :D

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